I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
