i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You made out with two different species that night
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
