I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
