I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
