I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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