But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
