I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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