Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
