Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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