So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize