Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
my being single is dangerous.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Randomize
