If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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