Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize