i would punch a child for taco bell
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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