well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
