i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
