It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
