It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
