can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
