I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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