my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
