I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
