I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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