I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
