Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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