I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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