Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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