im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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