My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
