You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
