I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize