and i looked up. we had an audience...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
