At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
