I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
