yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
