Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
