He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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