Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize