I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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