so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
