Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
