and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
