Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
