I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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