Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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