theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
