I wish I could punch you in the face.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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