I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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