Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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