I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
