is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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