Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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