my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
