Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
