You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Pants are for mortals
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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