I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
