You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
